


1000 Silver Reminders, 1000 Kisses

by masterroadtripper



Series: Telling The Truth [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bottom Connor, Enthusiastic Consent, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kissing, M/M, Self-Harm, Sex, Top Evan, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Trans Male Character, Vaginal Sex, canon-typical triggers, self-harm scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:42:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22643563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Evan and Connor, boyfriends since their junior year of high school, are now in their third year of university and still going strong.  Connor still has one hang-up when it comes to getting intimate with Evan.  Connor helped him learn to cope with the worst of his anxiety, so Evan was going to help him get over the shame of what was hidden by his sleeves.(Set in the same universe as Let the World Pass By and I'm Flying Blind)
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Telling The Truth [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595260
Kudos: 69





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> This work is going to heavily deal with self-harm and related topics. Just in case you didn't see the trigger warnings, this is your last chance to turn back if this is going to be an issue. Stay safe everyone.

Three years. How was it that they’d both left for university three years ago already? It felt so many years ago and yet no time at all, all at the same time. Two years. That was how long Connor had been renting this shoe-box of an apartment for. Less than a five-minute walk to the university, it suited his needs perfectly. One year. How many years ago it had been since Connor had asked him to move out of the dorms and live with him in the tiny apartment. He spent most of his time there anyway. Evan said yes in a heartbeat.

“Promise not to stare?” Connor would always ask, just as Evan began parting his boyfriend’s top. Sometimes it was the grey one - the same one that he had worn all high school and had somehow managed to prevent from getting thrown in the trash when it had too many holes in it - or his new red sweater, or a plaid shirt.

They had gone through this exact routine more times than Evan could count now. Cuddling, watching a movie or television show on Connor’s laptop, resting on their legs. Which would turn into kissing and perhaps a little touching over their clothes. Then it would start getting a little more heated. And the routine never changed, which Evan liked. He liked knowing what to expect.

Evan’s shirt would usually go first, followed by Connor’s pants but not boxers. Then the task of convincing Connor to take off his shirt surfaced. The first few times, it never actually came off, though the zipper had been undone. So he started wearing zipper hoodies or plaid shirts more often with nothing underneath. Buttons and zippers could be undone, sleeves would stay on. It was a solution. It worked.

Evan would be lying if he said that he didn’t care that Connor had hurt himself. Because this was his Connor, the one person on this planet that loved him with no conditions attached and if Connor was hurting, he was too. But Connor hadn’t put a razor blade against his skin in about a year - Evan made sure of that. He knew that Connor had been close before, but had stopped before he got to that point.

Tonight, Evan had a plan. He was done with Connor being ashamed of who he used to be. He wanted to prove that his past wasn’t something he should feel like he had to hide around Evan. Connor helped him learn to cope with the worst of his anxiety - he wasn’t cured by any means, but he was better - so Evan was going to help him get over the shame of his scars.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied/mentioned suicide attempt and self-harm scarring. 
> 
> Just a note, as well, I chose to refer to Connor's genitalia in the male sense of the words, even though Connor is FtM transgender. I just didn't feel comfortable using the female terms.

Connor’s laptop was sitting on his thighs, some episode of Brooklyn 99 playing that Evan was sure he’d see dozens of times before. He wasn’t really paying attention anymore and was instead focusing on the way his head felt resting against Connor’s shoulder. The bones and muscle underneath, covered by a still-too-thin layer of skin barely moved as Connor sat still, watching the computer with rapt attention. Evan smiled a little into his boyfriend’s shoulder.

Their fingers - Evan’s right hand and Connor’s left - were laced together between their bodies, hands resting just beside the laptop. Evan ran his thumb over Connor’s knuckles, knowing that he could feel it, even though he couldn’t move his left hand properly anymore. A lasting reminder of how this moment had been stacked against ever happening.

Thighs touching from hip to knee, Evan couldn’t picture anywhere else on the planet he wanted to be right now other than right here. So he tilted his head a little and kissed the little patch of skin just behind Connor’s ear, right before his hairline started.

“Are you trying to distract me?” he heard Connor whisper, his voice gravelly and rough.

“I dunno,” Evan whispered back, “is it working?”

“A little,” Connor said, reaching out to hit the spacebar on his laptop, stopping the show before he closed the lid. As Evan reached out to move the laptop off of Connor’s lap, he felt the heat radiating off of his boyfriend’s crotch. Of course, it could have just been from the laptop fan sitting right there, or Connor was aroused. Either way, it was going to work to Evan’s advantage.

Evan snorted as he placed the laptop on the table beside the bed while saying slightly mockingly, “a little.”

“Just a little,” Connor confirmed before leaning down and kissing Evan. He loved the feeling of Connor’s lips against his own, hard and soft all at the same time, currently a little chapped from the cold winter air and his habit of chewing on them when he got a little too far into his head.

“Do you want to keep going?” Evan asked, making sure Connor was completely on board with what he was starting to do. He totally understood that sometimes, Connor just didn’t want to go there on bad days. Evan had his bad days too, so he got it. He was better at asking nowadays because he knew that Connor would never get mad at him.

“Yes please,” Connor said, pressing their lips into another kiss.

Taking the lead, Evan shifted from his place beside Connor, not unlinking their fingers and straddled the taller boy. Settling on his thighs, just above his knees, Evan leaned down and kissed him again. He felt a hand come up and cup the side of his face. The fingers of Connor’s other hand were a little chilly and Evan idly wondered if the taller boy had actually had anything to eat for supper. He would get so cold if he didn’t eat for a while and Evan had a five-pm class and missed supper with him three nights a week. He had to rely on Connor’s word that he had eaten.

“C’mon Evan,” Connor moaned, jerking his hips up a little. Evan smirked against Connor’s lips at the failed attempt for more friction. But the way that Evan had positioned himself, he’d made it impossible for Connor to get anything out of his movements other than maybe rutting against the fabric of his own pants.

“Not yet,” Evan whispered against the thin lips of his boyfriend, “I want to try something.”

“Yeah?” Connor said, a grin playing across his lips.

“Yeah,” Evan replied before pulling away a little so he could look into Connor’s eyes properly, “But you have to promise me to tell me to stop if it gets too much, okay?”

“Of course,” Connor promised, “I trust you.”

“I know, I trust you too,” Evan replied, “But, you know, just in case, okay?”

“I promise Evan,” Connor said, rubbing his thumb of his right hand over Evan’s hip bone gently, “Now do your worst.”

“I am going to do exactly the opposite,” Evan said, leaning down and continuing kissing him. Planting his arms on Connor’s chest, he cupped his face and pulled him in closer, trying to kiss everything he could reach. And Connor just let it happen, hands resting on Evan’s hips, barely moving, readily accepting the affection.

“I am going to kiss every inch of you until I drive you crazy,” Evan continued, realizing just how strange that comment sounded only after it came out of his mouth. Instead, he hid his blushing face in Connor’s chest.

“I’m already crazy Evan,” Connor muttered, using his right hand to tilt Evan’s head back up so he could see his boyfriend’s face again, “but I know that's not what you meant.”

“Not really,” Evan replied, forcing eye contact, “I just want to show you that I love every inch of skin on your body. And I’m going to kiss you to prove it.”

“I...I don’t know Evan,” Connor replied, sounding unsure for the first time that night, “I know what you’re trying to prove. I’ve heard it dozens of times.”

“But it's true Connor,” Evan said, trying really hard to keep his voice as even as possible, “Your arm is proof that you survived the worst years of your life. I love you. All of you. And I want to prove it to you.”

“I guess...we can try,” Connor said, his voice growing more confident again, “promise you’ll stop...if...if I say so?”

“Of course Connor,” Evan said, “of course of course of course.”

“Okay,” Connor said, leaning his head back against his pillow and the wall behind their bed. Surrender. No. Surrender was the wrong word. That implied giving up. Willingness to try, perhaps? Willingness to at least consider the fact that Evan was telling the truth.

Evan decided to test the waters a little bit and started to fiddle with the top button of Connor’s sleep shirt, popping it open and letting the fabric part. Starting to kiss down the side of Connor’s neck, he ghosted his lips over the now-exposed collarbones, sharp and angular like the rest of his features. Going by Connor’s quick intake of breath followed by a soft moan, Evan smiled into the pale skin, glad he was enjoying it.

Moving back up to his boyfriend’s lips, Evan kissed him gently. One hand smoothed through Connor’s hair, the other trailed down the side of his face and resting at the confluence of the fabric of his shirt.

“Can I keep going?” Evan whispered, waiting for Connor’s consent.

“Yes Evan, please,” Connor said, his voice wavering already. And not wavering with fear, no. Pleasure. Evan knew the sound well. Very well.

So he popped another two buttons on the shirt, exposing beginnings of the still-hairless chest underneath him. Making his way from one side to the other and back again with his mouth, he deliberately ghosted the top of Connor’s newly formed pectoral muscles, still a little sensitive from his surgery over the summer. The skin jumped, leaped and quivered under his touch.

Kissing towards the protruding collarbones, dragging his nose along the sensitive skin a little, Evan unbuttoned two more buttons, the material of the shirt finally loose enough for it to be tugged over shoulders. Not wanting to change too much all at once, he let the fabric rest at just the edge of his boyfriend’s shoulders, not yet exposing any of the scars he knew were just beyond but far enough to get Connor acclimatized to the idea a little bit more.

“Okay?” Evan asked, wanting confirmation that he wasn’t freaking Connor out.

“Okay,” Connor confirmed, his voice still strong.

Evan remembered the first time he saw the scars. They had been hanging out at the orchard one day after school, just goofing around and having fun in the warm spring weather when Connor’s left sweater sleeve rolled up on itself. It had taken a while for Evan to realize what he was seeing. Silvery-white lines, crossed by pink ones, layered with more angry, red looking lines. There seemed to be no organization at all. Evan felt like someone had punched him in the gut, realizing in a moment that he had never seen Connor in short sleeves. Realizing how deep Connor was truly hurting.

“I love you,” Evan said, pressing a kiss onto Connor’s lips, deliberately punctuating every word.

“I love you too,” Connor said, his voice a little shaky, “please keep going.”

“Of course,” Evan replied, kissing a line down Connor’s throat again and across to one shoulder.

His hands reached down and pinched open the last two buttons of Connor’s sleep shirt, pulling it open to expose his tight stomach. Evan didn’t look down, but he placed his hands on the soft skin of Connor’s abs. That got a soft moan from Connor and Evan smiled into his shoulder.

Pushing the fabric lower, Evan exposed the first of Connor’s scars. Those were some of the oldest ones, Connor had told him once. His left shoulder, easy enough to hide under a t-shirt. Kissing each one that Evan could see individually, he dragged his fingertips up Connor’s chest to lightly caress his extremely sensitive nipples, knowing the contact would be enough to ignite renewed sparks of arousal in his boyfriend’s gut.

“Oh god Evan,” Connor said on a rush of air, his breath seeming to leave his chest entirely.

“Feels good?” Evan asked, lifting his head for the briefest of moments before going back to kissing the lines, awaiting his boyfriends answer.

“Yes,” Connor replied, “Yes it feels good.”

“Do you want me to keep going?” Evan asked, pausing for a second to look into his boyfriend’s eyes, pupils wide with arousal.

“Evan please,” Connor whimpered.

“Please what Connor? I need to hear you say it,” Evan prompted.

“Please touch me,” he managed to force out before letting his head fall back against its pillow, legs quivering in anticipation.

“Okay,” Evan said, already moving his lips back to Connor’s left arm, the fabric bunched down around his elbow now.

The scars petered off a little after the meat of his shoulder muscles thinned out, picking back up again to continue in greater quantities after the elbow joint. Unbuttoning the last set of buttons at the wrist of the shirt sleeve, Evan pushed the material the rest of the way off. Gently picking up his left arm, which was currently playing limp, Evan pressed his lips into the deepest cut Connor had ever made on himself, the one that had severed the tendons in his wrist. The cut that prevented his left fingers and hand from functioning normally. The cut that almost ended all of this.

“I love you Connor,” Evan whispered into his boyfriend’s skin, “I love every inch of you.”

“I know,” Connor whispered back, not looking down from where his head was rested, but Evan could see the smile on his face. Maybe this time, maybe he actually believed him.

“You wanna keep going?” Evan asked again, taking one of his hands and placing it low on Connor’s stomach, teasingly close to the waistband of his plaid sleep pants, making it clear exactly what he was implying.

“Oh god yes Evan,” Connor said, looking down at him and continuing jokingly, “you can’t just work me up like that and then not do anything about it.”

Evan chuckled, gently putting Connor’s damaged arm down and scooting up his body again to kiss the goofy and smug grin off his boyfriend’s face which much less gentle care than before. A pair of long arms wrapped themselves around Evan’s back and started running themselves up and down before dipping under the fabric of his shirt, pushing it up as he went. Once the material of Evan’s light green sleep shirt was bunched up at the back of his neck, he let Connor pull it off all the way.

With little finesse, Evan began tugging at Connor’s pants, undoing the knot that held the material tight to his thin hips and pushing it down his obnoxiously long legs. Connor helped the process along, kicking gently to shove the fabric the rest of the way down and off the end of the bed. Pushing down the waistband of his own sleep pants, Evan realized for the first time just how aroused he’d gotten himself just by kissing Connor. Not that it was hard - well, something was hard, but that's not the point - to enjoy kissing him.

Unceremoniously, he let himself fall down onto Connor’s chest, wrapping his arms around him, and just revelled in the feeling of skin-to-skin contact with no clothes in the way. He didn’t think this was the first time they’d ever done this, but it was definitely still in the first three from the past five years they’d known each other. Why hadn’t he thought of this sooner?

“As much as I love cuddling you, your dick is going to explode soon, I think,” Connor said into Evan’s hair.

Snorting a laugh, because, well, Connor wasn’t wrong, Evan leaned over to the night table beside the bed. Digging around for condoms and lube, he hoisted himself back onto the bed. Accidently putting his weight in just the right spot, Evan managed to poke Connor’s dick with his own, causing the taller boy to jolt and shake a little in his arms.

“You’re a little worked up baby,” Evan said teasingly as he dragged his fingers down the center of Connor’s chest to gently rub at Connor. Getting a similar reaction as before, Evan smiled and licked a stripe over one of Connor’s nipples, getting a loud moan in response.

“You’re gonna kill me,” Connor said, throwing his left arm over his face.

“Nah uh uh,” Evan tutted, pulling Connor’s arm back down, “I want you to watch.”

“Evan,” Connor whined, but complied, looking back down.

Dipping his fingers a little lower, Evan found the slick wetness between his boyfriend’s legs and gently coated three fingers before dragging them back up to his dick, moving faster now. Keeping pace with his mouth, nipping and licking at Connor’s chest, it took barely a minute before the taller boy was shaking and moaning, his eyes scrunched closed and head rolling back and forth on the pillow.

“I told you to watch,” Evan said, trying to keep his voice low and even, not slowing his motions. He knew Connor had looked back down again when he felt his abs and legs tighten around him, followed by a high mewl that he only made when he came.

“Did that feel good baby?” Evan asked, smoothing Connor’s lengthening hair away from his face, letting him come down from his high.

Connor managed to force what barely sounded like a word through his lips as the shaking in his arms and legs subsided a little. Evan waited for him to return to the land of the present by peppering kisses around his face and neck.

“What you gonna do with that,” Connor asked through a smirk a couple of minutes later, while looking down between their bodies and right at Evan’s still incredibly hard erection. For the first time that night, Evan felt the warm creep of anxiety attempting to infiltrate his thoughts. Shaking his head to try to clear the thoughts, he snorted at Connor’s comment.

“I dunno baby, what do you think I should do with it?” Evan asked, knowing that Connor enjoyed the light humiliation of having to voice exactly what he wanted from Evan.

“Evan,” Connor whined, dropping his head back to the pillow again. His frustrated act was betrayed as his hips stuttered upwards, trying to grind into Evan.

“Look at me,” Evan said, gently using his fingers to adjust Connor’s head, “You need to ask for what you want.”

Connor took a big breath of air through his nose, as if he was steadying himself before asking, “can you...can you please fuck me?”

Evan smiled at his boyfriend, saying, “of course baby. Because you asked so pretty, of course.”

Trailing fingers back down Connor’s chest, right over the top of his still-throbbing dick - causing him to moan - and further, he wiggled his pointer finger around in the wetness between his boyfriend's legs before gently pushing inside of him. Letting him adjust to the sensation, Evan popped open the bottle of lube, which was disturbingly close to empty, again, and coating his free fingers liberally.

“Another?” Evan asked, looking up from where he had distracted himself with his fingers and saw Connor’s eyes staring at the roof again.

“Mhmm,” Connor managed to moan out.

“Connor,” he prompted, causing the boy in question to jerk his head back to where it should be looking while Evan added, “you know, one of these days I’m going to have to tie you up so you can’t look away.”

Connor didn’t reply out loud, but judging by the way his body contracted around Evan’s finger and his legs shook a little, he’d take a guess and say that that idea was one to tuck away in his proverbial back pocket for later.

Switching hands, Evan slowly and gently prodded his boyfriend’s entrance with both fingers as they slipped inside the incredible heat of his lithe body. He held still for a little, allowing time for adjustment before scissoring them gently and poking upwards, searching for the little rough patch inside of him. If he didn’t feel it, Connor’s moaned reaction let Evan know he’d found the right spot as he kept massaging him from the inside out.

“More,” was the only concrete word that Connor managed to get out.

“Of course baby,” Evan cooed. Adding a third finger as slowly as possible, Connor started wiggling against the bed. Who knew just kissing would get them both so worked up?

It lasted for only about a minute before Connor said again, “More.”

“Can you ask nicely please?” Evan said, mostly teasing. If Connor couldn’t figure out how to piece together a sentence asking for what he wanted, Evan wouldn’t leave him hanging. He just wanted to see. Call it curiosity.

“Evan,” Connor moaned, “please put it in me.”

“Needy for me,” Evan observed, “my cute boy.”

Connor seemed to keen under the attention as Evan removed his fingers from Connor’s body, the area clenching down on nothing. Whining in his throat, Evan wanted to praise him for not moving his eyes, but Evan could only focus on one thing at once. So that meant he would have to wait until the condom was secure before muttering any words of praise.

“Ready Connor?” Evan asked after moving Connor’s long and basically limp legs around on their bed, then lining himself up.

“Please Evan,” Connor replied as Evan slowly pushed forwards. It took a significant amount of willpower to not just thrust in with abandon and chase the tight heat he knew was available. He went slower than usual, teasing Connor just a little more than usual. It appeared to be working as the only sounds he had left to make were choked off little gasps and moans.

Hips flush against Connor’s body, Evan smoothed his hand down the defined features of the face in front of him and asked, “that feel good honey?”

“Mhmm,” Connor managed to reply.

“I’m going to start moving now,” Evan warned, waiting a few seconds for his words to sink in before starting a slow rocking rhythm. Letting his thrusts grow in intensity, they were soon rocking the bed. Evan was glad that they bought two pieces of foam to shove between the bed and the wall to prevent it from banging and making noise.

“Not gonna last,” Connor squeaked out, his voice having jumped almost a full octave.

“Me neither,” Evan replied, “more?”

“Please,” Connor replied, jerking his hips and causing Evan to let out a less than manly grunt. Instead of saying anything else, Evan grabbed onto Connor’s protruding hip bones so he could hit that magic spot inside every time, consistently.

“Oh my god Evan,” Connor said, his voice losing any edge that it once had, entirely replaced with want, “Let me come.”

“Not yet baby,” Evan said, picking up his speed. He knew he wasn’t going to last and it was quickly becoming apparent that Connor was teetering over the edge as well. Vision narrowing, he knew he was holding onto Connor’s hips hard enough to create little purple bruises that they would be able to see for a couple of days. As he could feel the white light of release approaching, Evan could feel the line of no return creeping up on him.

Knowing Connor was close but wouldn’t be able to come without something more. Dragging his fingers from his hip down to where their bodies were joined, Evan rubbed at Connor’s dick in time with his thrusts.

“Come Connor,” Evan said finally as he felt himself falling over the edge in time with Connor.

In any other mindset, Evan would have laughed at himself for the confidence he got while they were having sex. He would have felt the creep of anxiety up the back of his neck at bossing Connor around. Now, however, all he felt was the crest of pleasure, love for his boyfriend and Connor’s thin arms wrapping around his overheated body.

* * *

“So, you wanna keep watching tv, or go to sleep...or something?” Evan said, his brain running away from him faster than he could rein himself in.

“I dunno, you wanna do something?” Connor replied, voice much more level than Evan’s. Reaching out and playing with Connor’s damp, ear length dusty brown hair, Evan tucked his face into Connor’s shoulder.

“Just cuddle?” Evan asked hopefully, all confidence from earlier completely gone and replaced by the edge of anxiety that usually preceded his meds wearing off.

“Of course,” Connor said, tightening his grip around Evan’s shoulders and muttering soft sounds into Evan’s hair. It settled his head a little but not entirely. He needed to take his meds sooner than later. They both did. There was a reason they’d asked their doctors to coordinate med times. Easier to remember to take them that way. But, meds could wait. He liked the feeling of Connor’s fingers in his hair, his other arm firm around his back.

“Thank you Evan,” Connor muttered into Evan’s hair.

“For what?” Evan asked, turning his head up and looking into Connor’s eyes.

“For...all this,” Connor said, waving his arms around a little and that was when Evan realized that he was wearing a white undershirt with no shirt overtop, his left arm out in the open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Hopefully, this wasn't too terrible. It definitely felt very disjointed and confusing in places to me, but maybe that's because I wrote it late at night while sleep deprived. 
> 
> 2) Maybe one of these days I'll get around to writing the one where Evan ties up Connor in the bedroom. No promises, but it's possible. 
> 
> 3) Same with a shower-related-fluff thing for these two and another couple explaining their summer break between grades 11 and 12 and the following grade 12 year to explain some of Connor's issues (and the big scar).


End file.
